I have always been quick to help my children, and maybe too much so. I thought being there for them meant catering to their every need — getting them water, helping tidy their toys, and sitting beside them while they did their schoolwork, even when they were capable of doing these things on their own. I did not realize that by always stepping in, I was sometimes leaving them less room to learn how to manage things for themselves.

Looking back, I could have given my son more responsibility at a much younger age, starting with small, simple things around the house. I did give him some tasks — he learned to make his bed when he was very young, but when it came to schoolwork, I could have taught him to study more independently. I would have been beside him when he had a question or needed help, instead of making my constant presence part of the process.

At the time, I thought this was what being a good mother meant. I was young, and I was afraid that if I didn’t do these things for my children, I might seem like an indifferent mother. I also thought taking care of everything was one of the ways I showed love. Without realizing it, I began carrying some of their responsibilities as if they were my own. I wanted to solve their problems and make things easier. Looking back, I can see that some of those responsibilities were theirs to carry and grow from, even when they were small.

What I’m doing differently now

Years later, I’m trying to do things differently with my younger daughter. For years, I believed that being a good mother meant giving my children everything, always being there for them, and making sure they never had to manage difficulties alone. Gradually, however, I began to understand that doing everything for them does not necessarily prepare them for life.

When we come home, and Augousta takes off her shoes wherever she happens to be, I no longer automatically pick them up. I ask her to put them away. It would be quicker and easier to do it myself, but these small, everyday moments matter more than they might seem.

Children need to learn from an early age to take responsibility, make their own choices, and figure out that someone won’t always be there to do everything for them. Through these experiences, they begin to think for themselves, recognize what needs to be done, and understand how to manage themselves. These lessons begin at home, continue at school, and become part of how they navigate life as they grow older.

I still want my children to know that I will always be there for them. What I am learning, though, is that being there does not mean doing everything in their place. I can love, support, and guide them while also giving them room to try, learn from experience, and discover what they are capable of doing on their own. Perhaps one of the hardest parts of motherhood is learning when our help is needed and when we need to step back, allowing our children the opportunity to grow.

I have also learned that giving my child space does not mean leaving her alone. I can stay close without immediately taking over. At six, Augousta still loves to play and be a child, but she is also discovering what it means to take responsibility.

When I once told her how tired I was and how many things I had to do around the house, she told me, “I’ll go to the chickens, Mum.” Now, she checks for eggs in the morning or afternoon, helps care for the chickens, and closes their little door at night. Sometimes, she calls me to lift the wooden top of the coop, but collecting the eggs has become her own little responsibility. My favorite part is when she comes running towards me with her hands hidden behind her back. “I have a big surprise for you, Mum!” she says, revealing the eggs she has collected. I share in her excitement as she proudly takes them to the fridge. Watching her take this initiative makes me proud, not because she is helping me with my work, but because she is discovering what she can do for herself. We still have a long way to go, but giving my child room to grow can begin with something as small as a handful of eggs.

Letting my son follow his own dreams

For a long time, doing everything for my children gave me a sense of satisfaction. I felt useful as a mother and as a person because they relied on me. I had to learn that being needed all the time isn’t necessarily what helps our children grow. I was making many of their everyday decisions and responsibilities my own.

Now that my older son is twenty, I see him differently. After finishing his military service, he is standing at the beginning of his adulthood — facing his own challenges, making his own decisions, and beginning to shape the life he wants for himself.

When he was younger, we talked with him about what he could study and discussed different options. We told him we would be there for him if he wanted to continue his education and that we would help him in any way we could. But when he decided he wanted to work instead, I was not happy about it. I had imagined a different path for him, and I tried to explain why I thought other choices might be better.

Then I stopped and realized something important: he was not meant to live the life I wanted for him. He had his own life and his own wishes. If working was what he truly wanted, I needed to respect that. I could give him my thoughts, tell him what I saw as the advantages and disadvantages, and be there if he needed me. But the decision had to be his.

What I want most for him is simple: when he goes to sleep at night, I want him to feel that the life he is building is one he is happy to wake up to in the morning. To me, that matters more than choosing the path I would have chosen for him.

I see this differently now with my younger child. One day, she spilled her milk, and as usual, my first instinct was to get up and bring everything she needed to clean it. But she stopped me and said, “Leave it. I’ll do it. I’m six now. I’m big, and I know how to do it.”

For a moment, I just stared at her. How could she be growing up so quickly? Part of me still wants to enjoy her as my little girl, the one I take care of and do everything for. But I cannot let my own needs get in the way of what’s good for her.

She’s learning that when she does something herself, she can also take responsibility for what happens next. And now, I feel proud when I see that begin to blossom in her. I have come to understand that my daughter is growing up, and my role is changing with her. My goal is not to do everything for her, but to let her discover what she is capable of doing herself.

I have learned over the years that motherhood is not something we are taught once and then know how to do. We build it every day, from the moment we become mothers. Every woman experiences it differently, and I have lived it at two very different stages of my life. I was very young when I became a mother for the first time, and now, with more years and experience, I sometimes look back at certain situations and think I might handle them differently today. I think that is part of motherhood too — realizing that while our children are growing, we are learning who we are as mothers.

My children are growing up, and I am learning to grow with them.