The first year after childbirth is when many couples feel the most disconnected from each other. Shifting identity roles, sleep deprivation, emotional exhaustion, and less room for quality time and intimacy are only some of the factors affecting parents with a new baby.
Having a baby changes the entire household dynamic, so disconnection during this season isn’t necessarily a sign of relationship troubles. But let’s not sugarcoat how downright challenging it can be to redefine your partnership during and after the newborn haze. Nonetheless, it’s truly an opportunity to evolve together and strengthen your bond through the challenges.
Here are a few techniques you can use to maintain connection with your partner after having a baby.
Lower your expectations
It’s not uncommon for seasoned parents to advise new parents to “just survive” the newborn stage. It’s blunt and harsh, but true. However, surviving this phase doesn’t mean expecting the house to be spotless. It won’t be. Spot clean as you go along, focusing on necessities like dishes and baby bottles. Turn a blind eye to the inevitable clutter, but if it really stresses you out, hire a cleaner to come in once a week if your budget allows.
You and your partner will also probably not anticipate home-cooked dinners five to six nights a week. (Or maybe it does, if friends and family are delivering meals.) Even if it’s just sharing a snack or bonding over a cup of coffee, savor this moment together until you can have real alone time. While you may have certain expectations for immediate postpartum, reality will have different plans, and that’s okay. It’s not forever.
Taking a low-pressure approach at home makes for a supportive, more forgiving environment with less frustration and fewer resentments. It doesn’t make sense to expect the same routines to carry on immediately after welcoming a new and very dependent family member. Conserve your energy for where it matters most: your baby, your recovery, and your relationship.
Spend time together every day
When you’re taking care of a newborn and handing off responsibilities with a partner, it may feel like you’re spending a lot of time together. While you’re physically side by side, you’re not pouring into the cup of your relationship.
Spending time together entails one-on-one connection with your spouse. Connection can take as little as 10 to 15 minutes, which is often all you have energy for with a newborn. Here’s the catch: watching TV or playing video games doesn’t count. This period is an opportunity to review the day, talk about your feelings, and discuss anything on your mind. It’s an opportunity to hold space for your relationship.
Some questions to ask each other may include:
- What’s on your mind today?
- Are our expectations realistic right now?
- How can I support you better?
Validate one another
Early-stage parenting can feel like a hamster wheel of tasks: feed, change, soothe to sleep, repeat. Meanwhile, you’re wiped out, running ragged, and wondering how other parents (or your own parents) made it through this stage. Needless to say, a little appreciation goes a long way when you’re feeling depleted.
Regularly acknowledging each other’s efforts makes both parties feel seen and, in turn, closer to one another emotionally. Vocal acknowledgements can be as simple as:
- You’re doing amazing.
- Thank you for taking the baby this afternoon so I could rest.
- I see how devoted you are to our family.
In turn, silent acknowledgments can look like:
- Having a cup of coffee or tea waiting for your partner
- Doing chores without having to be reminded
- A five-minute shoulder rub
Connect physically every day
Physical connection doesn’t automatically mean sexual intimacy. Many couples don’t have the energy for intimacy postpartum, nor is it recommended for at least the first six weeks. Rather, we’re referring to simple touch.
Even if you’re someone who naturally thrives in caregiver roles, new parents can feel “touched out” after carrying, feeding, and soothing a new baby from day to night. However, it’s important to maintain physical closeness with your partner, which can be as simple as holding hands, hugging, cuddling, or a quick kiss.
Physical touch not only creates a closer bond with your person, but it also releases feel-good hormones, which are much-needed during this stage in life. Additionally, preserving the physical connection can help with desire and intimacy when both partners feel ready again.
And perhaps most importantly…
Keep communication open
It’s easy to develop resentments during high-stress transitional periods. Keeping the conversation open and honest between you and your partner will work highly in your favor as new parents. Give your best effort to openly express your needs, expectations, and curiosities, and listen, really listen, to those of your partner’s.
Making communication a priority will strengthen your problem-solving skills as a couple, and, as your child ages, demonstrate to them what healthy communication looks like. Prioritize daily check-ins to make sure you’re both on the same parenting page. Ask each other ways you can help make life easier. And sometimes, just letting each other vent takes a load off both shoulders.
If you feel you’d do better with guidance, couples therapy is a great option for people looking to understand each other better in the postpartum era.
Remember, you’re a team
You’re learning how to parent as individuals and how to coparent cohesively. You’re observing your partner step into the role of parenthood as you do the same. It’s a rare and extraordinary time in life that can be all-consuming.
While you both adapt to these major changes and responsibilities, think back to how it began: with the two of you. A new baby takes center stage in your relationship, as it should, but you’re both still standing on that same stage, and doing your absolute best.
We’re in this together. If you ever need some advice or just an ear, join the Parenthood Together community here.