“Things feel different this season, don’t they?” I asked my husband as we walked home from the bus stop where we send our son off to school each morning. He’s in kindergarten now, and these moments have become special: walking together, waving as he waves back, and lingering to chat with the other parents.
The lingering is something new. Life really has changed as of late. We’re more connected, not only to families in our neighborhood, but to parents across different areas of our lives. We didn’t know what we were missing until we began to experience it. And it took five years, but it was worth the wait.
The loneliness & lack of community wasn’t obvious at first
I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son in March 2020, the week the world shut down due to the COVID-19 pandemic. My husband and I had also moved earlier that year into a larger home in a more distant Minneapolis suburb. We stayed cooped up in our new house for weeks that turned into months.
The loneliness wasn’t obvious at first, but as time went on, I began to feel like we needed more support.
I knew I needed more community, but I wasn’t sure where to start
We were still living with so many unknowns surrounding the pandemic. And the tasks and rhythms of early motherhood made building new connections feel like one more thing to do. Looking back, I realize that the building of community didn’t require massive steps; it just took finding people across different areas of our lives who could meet and support us where we were at.
Some friendships faded, while others formed and grew.
It took time, but here’s what building community looked like for me
One of my closest friendships today started in a virtual pregnancy support group. We had similar due dates, and after our sons were born, she reached out to ask about my birth experience. That sparked a series of emails where we openly shared what we went through pre- and post-birth. There was something refreshing about connecting with someone who understood what I was going through. We were both willing to be vulnerable, and that made room for a meaningful friendship.
A few months later, she invited me to join her neighborhood book club. I showed up, and even though I felt like the newcomer among an established group of friends, I kept showing up. In time, the book club became a core source of support.
Other connections came from making space for things I loved outside of motherhood. I signed up for a weekly writing group, and at first, it was hard to step away from my sons to participate in it, even when my husband was home to manage things. Soon after, I joined a gym. Valuing those parts of me by committing the time and money not only helped me hold on to a part of myself that wasn’t tied to motherhood, but it also opened the door to other meetups, classes, activities, and meaningful connections.
Then there were the neighborhood connections, which developed through a series of small interactions. For months, I’d exchange hellos and pleasantries with other moms at the park, but one conversation went a little further. We talked about work and what we enjoyed doing outside of parenting, exchanged phone numbers, and soon after, she invited me to a casual backyard gathering with other local moms. One invitation led to another, and eventually, I was added to a group chat of neighborhood mothers.
It wasn’t one big effort that led us to new groups of parents and true connections. It was several women willing to reach out and include someone new. Today, I’m connected to multiple families in our neighborhood, and those relationships have become an important part of our lives.
Looking at all of these relationships together, I’ve come to understand that community isn’t simply about having friends or people to meet for coffee. It’s about having people you can be honest with, share resources, and navigate the harder parts of raising children. It’s dependable support, built through vulnerability, shared experiences, and a willingness to invite others along.
Here are four things I learned while building my motherhood community
- Be willing to be brave and vulnerable: Building meaningful connections takes more than exchanging phone numbers. Someone has to make the first step, extend an invitation, or take a conversation beyond the usual pleasantries. And when you do connect, show up as you are. You don’t need to have motherhood figured out. Share the hard parts alongside the good. When you’re honest about how things are going, it gives others permission to do the same.
- Stop looking for the village and be a villager: Recognize that the people around you may be carrying just as much and having the same insecurities as you. We’ve heard the phrase “it takes a village,” but every village needs villagers. It can be tempting to wait for someone to reach out or offer a helping hand. Let that someone be you. Be generous with invitations, offer to help, drop off a meal, or include someone who might appreciate being brought into the fold.
- Give yourself permission to pursue your interests: Making space for something that’s just for you can feel difficult in early motherhood. I know it did for me. But eventually, a weekly writing meetup and commitment to fitness helped me see that my husband could manage, the kids were okay, and I could benefit from committing to something outside of parenting. Making room for my own interests also made room for meaningful friendships. Some of my core community has come from the writing and fitness activities I finally made space for.
- Allow yourself space to discover who you are now. Motherhood changes us. Sometimes loneliness comes from trying to hold on to the person we once were, rather than making room for the person we’re becoming. Allow yourself room to explore. Maybe an old interest no longer fits, or something new has caught your attention. You don’t have to figure it all out right away. The connections you make along the way may become an important part of your community, too.
A village takes time & is built, not found
When one of the mothers in our neighborhood invited me into a group text, I started adding others I met other mothers on walks or at the local park. I reached out when we were heading somewhere, extended invitations to join us, and offered them clothes my boys had outgrown.
Recently, another mom told me she sees me as a “neighborhood connector.” As someone who needed that kind of connection not long ago, it felt so good to hear that I’ve been helping create it for others.
I spent the first several years of motherhood wishing for community but not knowing exactly what I needed. Today, I have a growing network of women and families who make raising my children feel less isolating and more connected.
Sometimes all it takes is a simple invitation. From there, connections multiply
I’ve learned how much having a wide network of support matters: a collection of relationships, each connected to different needs and parts of ourselves. Perhaps that’s what finding your village really looks like. It’s not necessarily a group of people who have been there all along or friendships that fall effortlessly into place. It’s relationships, new and old, built through small gestures and a willingness to show up for one another.
It took me five years to find my motherhood community, and somewhere along the way, I also became part of building one. And that’s what has made it worth the wait.