Let’s face it — when we have kids, it’s all about them, especially during the early stages. What used to be a pretty autonomous life turned into midnight diaper changes and a life revolving around meal times.
Gone are the days when you can make last-minute plans with your girlfriends or take a long, relaxing bath. An everything shower? I was lucky enough to shampoo and condition my hair for five minutes without hearing ghost cries (IYKYK).
If these words are resonating with you, you’re not alone. A study shared by The Independent in 2023 showed that over 70% of new moms felt unseen, with a whopping 93% of women feeling their identity stripped to just “caregiver.”
Psychotherapist Liz Colliza explained to The Bump, “Motherhood causes an upheaval in your sense of self because every aspect of who you are is overturned. Women take on a new and central role as Mom, but their former roles as wife, daughter, sister, [and] friend still exist. This causes internal tension.”
But losing pieces of yourself doesn’t mean your identity is gone forever. It takes time to rediscover what exactly makes you you. And that can mean reshifting your identity to include motherhood without giving up what makes you distinct. It means allowing yourself permission to grow as a person and rediscover who you are while still being an incredible mother.
Remember who you were before ‘Mom’
Before having little ones, it’s hard to remember what life was like before them — in the best possible way.
Still, it’s important to reclaim your individuality apart from your kids. What were you like pre-motherhood? Did you have hobbies you loved or regular girls’ night outs?
While making plans with your besties or spending time luxuriously poring over a new novel may take a bit of effort now, you can take some “time snacks” each day to reclaim that person you used to be. Carve out 10-15 minutes a day to chat with your friend or read a few pages of that thriller you’ve been eyeing.
It’s also important to nourish not just your mind and emotional well-being, but your physical body as well. Just 10 minutes of heart-pumping exercise a day can add longevity to your life if you’re 40 years old and over, CNN reported.
Also, building muscle is essential for women in this age bracket, as it prevents osteoporosis and helps us strap screaming toddlers into their car seats.
Making space for something that has nothing to do with motherhood helps you feel like a person, rather than just “Mom.” Uncover pieces of yourself that were forgotten. Whether that means revisiting your crewing days or rocking out to Rage Against the Machine, don’t let your former self get stamped down to fit the ideal parenting mold.
How to let go of mom guilt when you choose yourself
We all know that mom guilt is real. The need to cater to our kids’ every need, make sure they’re eating a well-balanced diet, and getting the requisite amount of sleep can be so overwhelming. Combine that with having to work and squeezing in some time for yourself, and life just feels like a pressure cooker.
Along with society, we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves, which doesn’t help when families appear “perfect” on social media. “There are so many subtle — and not-so-subtle — triggers in our society that pressure us into thinking we should be able to ‘do it all,” Dr. Melissa Young shared with Cleveland Clinic.
She continued, “Mom guilt is a very natural experience when you consider all the competing responsibilities and expectations in our lives. But there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything you think you should be doing. The math doesn’t compute.”
Although taking time for yourself may be one of the causes of mom guilt, doing so is actually better for the family as a whole. Dr. Young pointed out, “When we don’t make time for ourselves, resentment and stress can build.”
She added, “It’s very hard to think about taking time for yourself when everybody needs something from you. But if you can frame caring for your needs as a way to help you better care for others, you might find you can prioritize it more.”
While you take some me-time, also remind yourself that there’s no such thing as “perfect.” Kids throw tantrums, people lose their patience, and behind the camera of a Pinterest mom, there’s always a messy house.
Additionally, reflect on why you feel guilty and flip the switch. Tell yourself that you deserve self-care, and your needs are just as important as everybody else’s. When you begin to honor yourself without apology, you show up lighter, calmer, and more present — and realize that it’s one of the most loving things you could do for both yourself and your family.
